Zutto
by Emily-chan
Summary: [CCD] Nokoru dying has always been Suoh's greatest fear. But he never thought it would happen like this.... ~winner of the CLAMP Bistro Deathfic Challenge~


zutto

No, I'm not killing off my characters already. This is my response to the CLAMP Bistro Deathfic Challenge. (Sounds impressive, doesn't it?) Everyone knows what would happen if Suoh somehow screwed up and Nokoru got killed. (Bloody Rampage Suoh -- but that's another story. ^^;) But what if Nokoru's death really wasn't Suoh's fault? What if there really was nothing he could have done?   
~ Emily-chan  
  
DISCLAIMER: All characters are property of CLAMP. This story was written for entertainment only.  
  
WARNINGS: Rating: PG Contains shounen-ai and um, angst? Well, it's either angst or sap. Hey, it's a deathfic, what did you expect?  
  
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ZUTTO  
a CCD fanfic by Emily-chan  
  
It was your favorite kind of day, the kind of day that always made me think of you. The clear blue sky that matched your eyes, the bright sun that should have been gleaming off your golden hair. I never thought I would see this day. I never thought I would allow myself to live to see this day. But it wasn't my fault. You at least drilled that much into my head before the end. There was no way I could have saved you. There was no way anyone could have saved you. How could you, you who seemed so perfect, have had this lurking inside of you? Even the best doctors in the world were helpless. There was nothing I could have done. So why do I still feel the need to blame myself?  
  
How long did you know? How long did I? Looking back, I could sense the change, I could feel you getting weaker, but you said everything was all right, and I believed you, because I wanted to. Or maybe I knew that there was nothing I could have done, so I pretended everything was fine. I tried to make myself believe that it was just a trick, another one of your schemes to get out of doing paperwork. Then that day I acknowledged what was happening. Do you remember? I asked you to promise me that you would stay with me always. I felt like such a child. And you said that we'd both learned that there was no such thing as always on this earth. You might as well have killed me then and there.  
  
Actually, it's just like you. You knew what I would have done if I'd failed you, so you went and died like this instead. Why? Why couldn't you have gotten yourself shot or poisoned or even fallen out of a tree? At least then I could have blamed myself. At least then I'd have an excuse to follow you. But that would make you sad, wouldn't it? For me to die because of you. But really, everything I ever did was because of you. I'm not ready to live for myself. I don't know how. I can't sleep, I can't eat, all I can do is remember how it felt to hold you in my arms, the feeling of your hand in my hand, your lips on my lips. God, you're selfish -- making me stay here. Don't you know how much pain you're causing me?  
  
But no, you couldn't let me follow you. Instead, you had to make me make that stupid promise. And for what? What do I care about swords and prophecies and the end of the world? You were my world. You still are. But you looked straight into my eyes and extracted that promise, before I even knew what I was agreeing to. Funny, it's just like the first time. You ended up saving me.   
  
And then you closed your eyes. Those eyes I loved so much. You took them from me. And I cried, just a little. No one saw me, of course. And I haven't done it since. At least my stupid pride can hold on to that. Takamura do not cry. But I'm not really a Takamura anymore, am I? Without my One, I cease to exist....  
  
Somehow I've ended up back at the office. A small, long box that I haven't seen before is sitting on my desk. I open it carefully and stare dumbly at the contents. A white folding fan, with red tassels. I open it with trembling hands. By now, I'm shaking so hard I can barely read it. Ai shiteru. Zutto.'   
  
Hot water boils up from my eyes again. But this time it won't stop. How could you do this to me? My legs will no longer support my weight, I collapse onto the floor. I want to die. I want to be with you. But I promised. I didn't want to, but I promised. With you looking at me that way, how could I have done otherwise? You made me give you my word, and now I'm stuck here, without you. A ronin.   
  
No, not really, not yet. I still have a mission to fulfill. But when the one who has been destined takes the sword, then I will be finished. And then I will see you again. I promise you that. And when I do, I will never leave your side again. I will stay with you always. Zutto.  
  
~owari~  
  
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7/22/01  
Well, I never thought I'd be able to write a deathfic, but it just poured out. What do you think? Comments and constructive criticism are always appreciated. Arigatou gozaimasu!   
~Emily-chan   
emily_chan12@hotmail.com  
  
GLOSSARY  
zutto: always  
ai shiteru: I love you


End file.
